


though we touched and went our separate ways

by Megakatze (LaufeiaEvans)



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Angst, Dalton Big Bang 2020, Implied/Referenced Incest, Other, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaufeiaEvans/pseuds/Megakatze
Summary: Dalton Big Bang Day 26: Trouble in Paradise and/or Day 54: What Happens NextEvan and Ethan thought they would be together forever, one soul in two bodies who did anything and everything as one. But as they're getting ready to leave Dalton Academy, they're forced to face the fact that they aren't always in agreement, and perhaps it would be best for both of them to become separate people.
Relationships: Ethan Brightman/Evan Brightman
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	though we touched and went our separate ways

It starts in the fall of their senior year.

They’re in a meeting with their guidance counselor, only half paying attention. College still feels far off, something they’ll have to be ready for one day, but not now. They have a full year left at Dalton Academy, after all—why not make the most of it? They can worry about their futures when they’ve had their fill of mischief.

Of course, all of that changes when the counselor asks, “Do you boys have any idea what you’d like to major in?”

And just as Ethan confidently answers “English,” Evan replies with “Engineering.”

Their heads snap to look at each other, eyes wide. The counselor glances between them uncomfortably.

“Well,” he says slowly. “There’s no reason you couldn’t choose different—”

“No,” Ethan says quietly, shaking his head. “No, we—we wanted to study literature, right?”

Evan just stares back, looking confused. “We want to start focusing on a career,” he says carefully. “Maybe a—a minor in English, but eventually we’ll have to…I mean, we’ll be taking over—”

“Since when has that mattered?” Ethan chokes out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. “No, we don’t…we don’t care about that—”

“If I may…”

Their gazes snap back to the counselor, who glances between the two of them with a look of concern. He leans forward, propping his elbows on the desk and folding his hands in front of him.

“I understand you boys are very close,” he says, and Ethan scoffs.

“Of course we are,” he says, expecting Evan to pick up his sentence. But his twin is silent. He casts a nervous glance to his right, and Evan is staring down at his lap, his face pale.

“If you have different goals, perhaps it would make sense for you to pursue different majors,” the counselor says, and Ethan wants to scream. He doesn’t understand. He couldn’t _possibly_ understand.

“No,” he says quietly, once again looking to his twin for support. But Evan just looks up, his jaw set.

“Thank you, Dr. Marks,” he says in a clipped voice, and tosses his bag over his shoulder without looking at Ethan.

Ethan stares in disbelief as Evan rises to his feet, too taken aback to stand up with him. He looks helplessly back to the counselor, who just gives him a sad look. “Perhaps you’d like to talk about this another time?” he says, and Ethan’s brow furrows.

“Goodbye,” he says harshly, scrambling to his feet and following his brother out.

Ethan practically sprints down the hall. His brother had taken off, stalking ahead of him without so much as a look back. He feels sick. They’ve never disagreed about something like this, something this _important_. His heart pounds as he catches up to Evan.

“Ev—”

“We need to get to class,” Evan says curtly. Ethan reaches out to take him by the arm, and he stiffens.

“You don’t really—” Ethan swallows hard. His twin still refuses to meet his eyes, and his heart sinks. “We don’t _want_ to study engineering. R-right?”

Evan screws his eyes shut.

“Maybe he’s right,” he says quietly, and it’s like Ethan can feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. Evan turns to look at him, his eyes brimming with tears. “Maybe we—we should think about—“

“No,” Ethan spits back harshly. “No. Never. We never…we _promised_.”

Evan blinks, sniffling a little. “I know,” he whispers. He takes Ethan’s hand, their fingers slotting together perfectly. “I’m not—we don’t need to leave each other. We can still go to the same school. We just…take different classes.”

Ethan shakes his head. He could never imagine the thought of being apart from his brother. They’d never done _anything_ separately, least of all not an entire four years of college.

“I can’t,” he chokes out, and Evan nods.

“Okay,” he says, though Ethan knows the conversation isn’t over. He wipes his eyes hastily and nods in the direction of their next class. “C’mon. We’re gonna be late.”

—

The guidance counselor refers them to a therapist.

Ethan doesn’t want to go. He screams, he cries, he _begs_ Evan to remember the promise they’d made to each other—that _no one_ , no friend or teacher or therapist would _ever_ be able to keep them apart. But it’s like that meeting with the guidance counselor has driven a wedge between them that refuses to budge. For the first time ever, it’s the two of them versus each other, and Ethan feels more alone than he ever has in his life.

They start out doing sessions together. Talking to the counselor about their relationship, the things they do together and the way it feels when they’re apart. It’s the only time Evan ever talks openly about how he’s feeling. Every time Ethan tries to broach the subject outside of sessions, he’s brushed off or redirected to whatever kind of mischief they decide to engage in that day. They still have their games, their pranks, their antics with the rest of Windsor House. But it isn’t the same.

“I don’t want to be apart,” Evan says in a session with their counselor, his grip locked firmly in Ethan’s. “But I’m just not sure we’re the same person anymore.”

The thing is, Ethan can’t even wrap his head around the idea of being just one person.

The counselor, to her credit, is understanding. She could never _really_ understand, of course, but she doesn’t try to shame them. She doesn’t toss around words like _unhealthy codependency_ like some of the professionals they’d seen as kids. She leaves it up to them how much and how soon they want to start doing things separately.

Unfortunately, that’s just the latest in a long series of decisions that they fail to agree on.

Evan first brings it up in therapy, of course. It’s almost like he’s not comfortable talking to Ethan on their own anymore. He suggests that they try to do something apart—something small, at first, to test the waters. The counselor agrees. And of course Ethan has to agree. He isn’t going to be the only one to say no.

She recommends that they start with an hour. That they take separate showers, alternating with some alone time in their room. Ethan feels sick to his stomach for most of the day leading up to it. He barely touches his dinner, and Evan clearly notices, but he doesn’t say anything. He just keeps giving him that sad look, and it feels like he’s sad _for_ Ethan instead of _with_ him.

Evan kisses his brother gently on the temple before heading for the shower, and Ethan attempts to bury his face in a book to avoid thinking about it.

He makes it all of ten minutes before he realizes he hasn’t processed a single word on the page. He can hardly even see them, the text distorting uncomfortably in front of his face whenever he tries to focus. He blinks rapidly, tossing down the book and getting to his feet.

His mind races. This is stupid, he thinks. Why should he ever need to be away from Evan anyway? It's none of their therapist's business whether they take showers together or sleep in the same bed. But then again, it isn't just their therapist. Evan himself had been the one to suggest showering separately. Why is he so anxious for the two of them to be apart? Does majoring in engineering matter that much to him, that he would leave his brother behind in the process?

Ethan's chest feels tight. He pauses in the middle of the room, realizing that it's gotten hard to breathe.

If his own brother is trying to break them apart, where does that leave him?

He isn't consciously aware of falling until he's already hit the ground, caught at the last minute by a panicked Evan. Ethan gasps sharply, clutching his chest in shock, and he's vaguely aware of his brother's voice in his ear, though he can't quite make out the words.

"Ev—“ he gasps out, and Evan sinks to the floor, pulling his twin into his chest.

"Shh," he whispers, and once the initial shock subsides Ethan collapses against him, his frantic gasping for breath fading into muffled sobs. "Shh, Ethan, it's okay."

Evan's voice is soothing, but Ethan sees through it, can't miss the note of disappointment in his brother's voice. He sniffs hard, tears flowing freely down his face. And for the first time, he finds himself feeling embarrassed, ashamed that he couldn't even make it half an hour with Evan in the other room.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out, and Evan is quiet for a moment.

"Me too," he whispers, and pulls Ethan in closer.

—

They don't try to be apart again for a while, their counselor instead deciding to have conversations with each of them separately while the other sits in the opposite corner drawing. It works, for now. Ethan draws a surprisingly good picture of a white rose while Evan talks about some of their memorable antics at Windsor. It's an odd feeling, knowing that he could easily pick up his brother's sentences but choosing to be silent instead. Evan is better at talking by himself, and when it's Ethan's turn he's surprised by how difficult it is to speak without another voice echoing his thoughts.

They try several sessions like this before their therapist suggests taking it a step further. She wants them to try talking about their goals in life, what they hope to accomplish in college and where they want to be when they graduate. Ethan tenses up as soon as she broaches the subject, and only when Evan takes his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze does he agree to give it a try.

He has to do this. His brother is counting on him.

"So tell me, Evan," she says as Ethan takes a seat at the table across the room. His back turned, he takes a deep breath and starts to sketch. "What makes you want to pursue engineering?"

Evan pauses for a long time before he speaks.

"My family owns an aviation company," he explains. She knows that, of course, but she wants the two of them to get used to talking about themselves as individuals. "There's always been the expectation that one of us would go into that business. I never wanted to, but the more I think about it—“

His breath catches. Ethan presses his pencil harder against the paper.

"I always wanted to have fun in high school. And I did—I still do. I like playing games. But...I'm getting older now, and I've been thinking a lot about the future, and I feel like someone has to step up and join the family business. And...I guess it has to be me."

Ethan swallows thickly. He's vaguely aware of their therapist asking Evan to elaborate, wondering about his sudden change of heart. His mind sticks on Evan's response that he's been thinking about this for a while. How long, exactly, have they been out of sync?

When it's finally Ethan's turn to talk, he struggles to answer with more than a few words. He chooses to keep working on his drawing, carefully sketching out Tim Burton's version of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum while he replies that yes, he does love literature, and yes, that is part of why he wants to pursue an English. He tosses his pencil down in frustration when his therapist presses him for more, and when she finally decides to call it a night, he avoids both of their eyes as he ducks out of the room.

"Ethan."

He sighs, slowing down just enough for his twin to catch up.

"Can we talk?"

"When did you start thinking you wanted to join the business?"

Evan closes his eyes, exhaling heavily.

"This summer," he says, and Ethan's heart sinks. "While we were home. I was just considering it, at first. I thought maybe it was time for us to start getting serious. I didn’t—I hoped you were thinking the same thing."

"I wasn't," Ethan mumbles. Tears prick at his eyes, and he blinks hard, swallowing back a sob.

"I know," Evan says softly.

"I don't want to get serious." He looks up at his brother—at his twin, his _soulmate_ , the boy he was supposed to be with for the rest of their lives—with wide eyes. "I don't want to leave. I want to stay in Windsor and play pranks on our friends and eat Kurt's magical cookies and—“ Evan catches him with an arm around his back before he can break down, and he leans into his brother's side, closing his eyes. "I'm not ready."

"I don't want to leave, either," Evan murmurs. "But we have to. And I'm not going to drag you into anything you don't want to do. If you want to study English, you should. Even if—“ His voice cracks, and Ethan's shoulders shake with a muffled sob. Evan stokes his back soothingly. "Even if we can't do it together.”

Ethan nods. "Yeah," he manages to say.

Evan keeps his arm around Ethan until they've reached the car, and when Ethan climbs into bed that night and snuggles into his chest he doesn't say anything about it.

—

Their progress is slow. But they make progress nonetheless, and Ethan finds himself gradually able to consider a future apart without immediately breaking down.

The other Windsors eventually notice something is up. It's Kurt who hears first, when he comes downstairs to find Ethan distracting himself with video games while Evan studies upstairs in their room. They chat idly for a while before Kurt finally asks why he's alone, and he surprises himself by explaining the situation without feeling panicky or sad at all. It feels like a huge leap ahead, and he feels only a little guilty that the first thing he wants to do afterwards is run upstairs and tell his brother.

Their therapist had told them to take this in steps, after all.

By winter break, they're ready to take another one. They spend one last night in their shared bed, and as they're packing the next morning, they get the room ready for them to begin sleeping separately when they return. They've developed a detailed plan for spending a few nights apart while they're home for break, with one of them sleeping in a guest room every Sunday night.

It's not easy. Ethan hardly sleeps the first night, his bed far too big and far too empty without another body next to him. Evan puts on a brave face, like he has this entire time, but he holds Ethan closer than ever when they're finally reunited the next day. It seems like for every two steps forward, they take one back, so that any progress they make feels like too little, too late.

One night, during one of their increasingly rare showers together, it hits Ethan all at once.

"Does this mean—“ he says, his voice catching in his throat. He takes a tentative step toward Evan, resting his hand gently on his bare shoulder. "If we do this," he says carefully, taking a deep breath, "does it mean we have to stop being together like this?"

Evan tenses up. It's not something they've discussed yet, not a topic either of them have felt comfortable bringing up with their therapist. As firmly as they've defended their closeness in the past, they've always known that some things needed to be kept between the two of them.

"I don't know," Evan says finally, and without thinking Ethan leans forward to wrap his arms around his twin's waist.

"I don't want to," he murmurs, his cheek pressed against Evan's back. Evan reaches up to stroke his hair comfortingly. “I—if we have to be apart, sometimes, then okay. We can work up to that, but...I don't want to lose this."

Evan nods. "I know," he says quietly. He relaxes back into Ethan’s arms even as he murmurs, "I think we should, though."

"Why?" Ethan leans into him, his hands ghosting over Evan's chest. "No one has to know. We aren't hurting anyone."

Evan makes a small, pained noise. Ethan presses a kiss to his shoulder, sliding his hand down, down...

...and Evan catches his wrist, pulling away.

"No," he whispers, his voice wavering.

Ethan's arms drop in defeat. He backs away, leaning against the shower wall.

“I don’t want to,” Evan says a little louder. He doesn’t turn to look at him. Ethan nods anyway.

“Okay,” he whispers. And then, because apparently it needs to be said out loud now: “I understand.”

Evan doesn’t look back until he’s already shut the water off, shooting one last apologetic glance to his brother as he steps out of the shower. Ethan waits until he hears the door click before his eyes close, his head falling back against the wall. He sinks to the floor, burying his face in his lap as his body shakes with silent sobs.

He finally emerges from the bathroom, finding Evan fully clothed on their shared bed. Wordlessly, he pulls on his pajama pants, avoiding his brother's eyes. He can tell he’s being watched, and for once in his life he almost wishes he were alone.

"We can cuddle, if you want," Evan offers in a low voice.

Ethan sniffs. He considers saying no, still feeling a little hurt and angry. But it's such a foreign feeling, to be angry with his other half, that he can't hold onto it for very long.

"Okay," he whispers, and when he turns around to crawl into bed Evan is waiting for him with a soft smile and open arms.

—

The spring semester goes faster than the fall. They sleep in separate beds from the first night back, making it through the night more often than not. Ethan still struggles, though the panic attacks happen less and less frequently, and he spends fewer and fewer nights climbing into his brother's bed after a nightmare. Evan gradually improves as well, worrying less and less about how Ethan is handling their separation and making more and more of an effort to do things on his own.

They still have their games, still plan elaborate pranks for their never-ending war with Stuart House. But they also start to plan for their future after leaving Dalton Academy.

They're both accepted to the University of Chicago, and they make the decision to go together. It's not something that was ever up for discussion—even their therapist had agreed that separate schools was too much, too soon. But when it's time to submit their information for housing requests, it's Ethan who timidly suggests that they apply to board separately.

"We could request the same building," he says quickly, upon seeing the look of shock on his brother's face. But it quickly fades into a bright, genuine smile, and Evan enthusiastically agrees.

"It'll be part of the experience," he assures Ethan when he starts having second thoughts. "A randomly assigned roommate for freshman year, just like everyone else."

And Ethan smiles, a little excited at the possibility of making a friend of his own.

They spend their summer, like most other boys their age, having their fill of mischief before going away to college. They celebrate the successful end of their high school careers. They mourn the loss of the found family they've gathered over the years. They visit friends, go on adventures, and for the most part carry on as they always have. But this time, instead of as one person in two bodies, they begin to explore themselves as two young men who, though they will always share a bond deeper than anyone can imagine, are finally ready to embark on their own separate lives.

And when Ethan arrives in Chicago that fall and opens the door to his new dorm room, he greets a timid-looking brunet with a wide grin and a wave, introducing himself proudly.

“Hi,” he says, extending his hand in front of him. “I’m Ethan."


End file.
